[ssba]

INTERVENTION

5 minutes of drama in response to Robert O’Hara’s “Barbecue”

Michał Szymaniak

11.03.2015

CHARACTERS:

FIT ELIZA

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

FIT ELIZA

hey guys it’s me again. we only have five minutes so let me get you up to speed real quick. in your comments you often ask how you can get a figure like mine where I get all the energy I graciously share with you on my vlog how to be happy and basically have a good cool and healthy life. so my advice is take matters into your own hands. if you’re unhappy about your parents not being with it not understanding english and because their stuff’s all old and their furniture’s not exactly modern-looking so that you’re embarrassed to invite your classmates over and basically because your parents don’t exactly look like something out of one of those glossy mags that’ll put you back two figures in zlotys and more like something off the back page of a daily the one with ads that go looking to give away wall unit in good condition

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

elizka you mind getting your mother some water? and maybe you could you know untie me while you’re at it huh? cause I feel stupid all tied up like this like some loser and say what you will but this kind of cramps my personal freedom of movement and ability to get around.

FIT ELIZA

just a mo mom I’m talking to people on the internet right now. in a sec I’ll show you five ways to help you stop being ashamed of your not-quite-keeping-up-with-the-times parents who most likely do not look as good as kanye west and kim kardashian. if you ever felt a pain deep inside your little red heart because your parents are the people sitting on that musty couch in their slippers and watching game-shows this tutorial is for you. join me on a five-step intervention that will change your life for the better naturally. so this is my mom who’s been struggling with a few extra pounds for some time now. as you can see helen of troy she ain’t. tell them something about yourself mom.

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

do I talk into this? this is the camera right? so I’m the mom of my daughter ania

FIT ELIZA

eliza mom eliza. how many times do I have to tell you I changed my plain-jane name into something that sounds more exotic

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

yes dear yes eliza. and my husband and eliza’s father left me which as a coworker of mine later told me was caused by my low self-confidence

FIT ELIZA

mom I think we’re all impressed by your self-promotion skills and knack for pr but

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

and I’m also struggling with a few extra pounds which is why

FIT ELIZA

which is why you’ll gladly submit to the special therapy I designed for you

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

exactly I don’t know I’m not entirely sure I want to be like you know straight out of a magazine I think I’ve changed my mind you know

FIT ELIZA

what magazine. magazines can’t make you straight. never mind here we go. I’m all excited from all the emotion. I have the first step behind me guys. namely immobilizing the patient because I’ll be calling you the patient for now mom. black duct tape works best. ropes or cables are also good but I recommend duct tape. I used supertape brand it only cost two zlotys and there’s some left over for next time or some other time. available at your local newsstand. how are you doing mom? everything ok is the tape keeping you stuck?

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

it’s a little tight here you know I think this isn’t the best kind of tape you could buy. I know that being a mother I should be willing to make sacrifices for my daughter and for everyone generally as per the saying if they smite you on your right cheek you should let them tape you to a chair

FIT ELIZA

you’re never satisfied never happy and then you’re surprised when dad walks out on you. treat this as a game mom. no more grumbling. step two namely a good honest talk to make the patient realize that unfortunately they’re the ones who brought this state of utter neglect and totally being stripped of any chance to have an intriguing life upon themselves. start with a simple question. why would you say your husband and my father walked out on you.

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

because I lack self-confidence for one. because I’m always unhappy about something that’s two. I’m also fat and out-of-fashion. I’m fat because I don’t eat well and I’m out-of-fashion because I have no taste and no opinion about anything actually. because I was simply raised to believe that it’s better not to stick your head out because that’s bound to get you killed raped and then thrown in jail for good measure.

FIT ELIZA

as you guys can see this is a hopeless case. good thing you have me. now let’s move to step three of our lifestyle makeover namely changing the eating habits. you go to the fridge the pantry or wherever you keep your food and if it’s under the bed heh-heh you can go there. bring all the patient’s favorite food products. in our case it’s mainly animal products tongues knuckles brains yuck. don’t you know hasn’t anyone told you that eating animals isn’t just out of fashion but terribly unhealthy. throw it all in the garbage render it or better still process it all back into the animals from which it was made and set it free.

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

so what am I supposed to eat now. what if we have guests what do I serve them?

FIT ELIZA

first of all the last time we had guests over was when the priest came caroling a year ago. second here you go mom pills meds supplements tablets. it’s all for you to take for breakfast lunch and dinner. remember the rule is eat little but often. take them one after the other

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

I don’t want to. you’re being very mean to me no gratitude for letting you out into this world and there’s no way I’m swallowing all those chemicals.

FIT ELIZA

a pill for sagging skin a pill for wrinkles a pill for lack of taste and one to change your personality a pill for excess abdominal flab

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

I resent that. the excess flab on my abs is your fault just so you know. I got fat after giving birth.

FIT ELIZA

here you go eat all this in small portions and swallow slowly. no? okay fine I’ll stuff it in your mouth don’t clam up don’t make a scene don’t act childish. very nice. now wash it down so you don’t choke.

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

what have I done to deserve this what?

FIT ELIZA

you fed me the same things when I was a kid nothing but pork chops and poor ground-up animals and carcinogenic preservatives so I don’t know what your problem is. meanwhile with a better future for everybody in mind I’ve become your personal trainer and for the money you’ve been putting away out of your measly supermarket cashier’s salary for the past twenty years

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

the money I was putting away to go to the sanitarium in ciechocinek

FIT ELIZA

for that selfsame money I bought you a lifetime supply of healthy organic diet food that will get your weight down and give you a taste of the real world in the process because the diet I designed for you is modeled on angelina jolie’s. step four namely why are you crying mom is it because you’re happy

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

but I really wanted to go to ciechocinek see the world maybe meet someone it’s not like I’m that old

FIT ELIZA

no need to cry mom they’ll be tearing down your ciechocinek to make way for a shopping mall any day now

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

and my own daughter’s ashamed of me I’m a hopeless mother they should put me in some museum for mothers who are too old to live like normal people I dunno they should move me to some reservation or container town. I’ll never be good-looking healthy and interesting enough for you to show me off to your classmates or invite me to a party and say look what a hip mother I have so open to young people she’ll even do shots and snort lines and go to raves with you

FIT ELIZA

you’re not a hopeless mother god all this is going to get me crying like this was some soap you’re my mother plain and simple what can I do only why don’t you want to be fit and slim new and fresh reinvented pampered cleansed restored transformed and presentable so I don’t have to be ashamed of you if I happen to win an oscar or some other award

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

I don’t know baby I don’t know I guess I can’t I guess I’ll always be fat and dull I guess I’ll always be eating blutwurst and boiling water in a pot I guess that’s the way it’s going to be and there’s nothing you can do give me a hug ania

FIT ELIZA

my dear mommy my wonderful outstanding cashier from fresh market my lovely darling let me untie you and hug you and love you and accept you the way you are from start to finish from the dirty shitty streets through the bazaars and thrift stores through the villages around old state-farms where there’s nothing to do but hack yourself to death with an ax through the crosses in the schools and fucked-up housing policies to the flag gone white from all the lard and red as an old wino’s grizzled face I love you because now I know you’re part of who I am and that

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

if I hadn’t given birth to you

FIT ELIZA

I wouldn’t be here

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

give me a hug

FIT ELIZA

hugs

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

love me

FIT ELIZA

I love you

SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT MOM

why don’t I go get this duct tape off huh

FIT ELIZA

sure mom. sorry you guys the situation got a little out of hand but I’ll be back tomorrow and tell you about the last two steps of the makeover. soon my ugly old mother will become a mother on top of global trends with a new post-rebranding face with tall skyscrapers and sick clothes. ttyl. you’ve been watching fit eliza’s vlog hang in there and cya. kisses.