[ssba]
FATSO IN EXOSKELETON
JAY Mateusz Łasowski
BIG DADDY Julia Wyszyńska
KATE MOSS Michał Jarmicki
THE MASS
JAY This is Big Daddy, he sweats like a pig, looks like a pile of shit and weighs 256 kilos, but one look at his 300-square-meter Manhattan suite, lovely wife who’s in the best Hollywood productions, and you’ll think: Here’s a guy who knows a thing or two. Now anybody who thinks his daddy gave him Fort Knox for his 18th birthday ought to know that the only thing his daddy ever gave him was this fucking diabetes gene. Even water makes him fat. He gets fat when he takes a deep breath. But he’s not scared of fat he’s not scared of anything because he’s free.
BIG DADDY My name’s Big Daddy and I am a child of a lesser God. I’m not good-looking, I’m not the best at anything, I wasn’t born rich or smart. So why am I happy? Because I choose to be, because I’m not the sum of what other people think about me. Everyday I look at my face in the mirror and I see a sumbitch who’s happy AF. Fuck what people are saying about you, fuck what other people think. Fuck your diet, fuck the yo-yo effect. I love putting on weight. I love life, I love candy and I love when it makes me fat. Let us pray for extra pounds!
KATE MOSS Dear Lord, surely a couple of pounds isn’t too much to ask, I want to step on that scale and see the dial max out, it’s a piece of cake to you, Lord
JAY Kate Moss is in the house. How’re you doing, Kate?
KATE I feel alive.
JAY Did you ever feel any other way?
KATE I used to wake up scared I’d find a gray hair, I never smiled for fear of getting wrinkles, and I spent all day thinking about my skin and not about what’s underneath. I was addicted to looking beautiful.
JAY I hear that cost you a lot.
KATE I’ve been on a diet since I was two. Though it actually started a lot earlier. My mother was so obsessed about keeping slim, her tits made lo-fat milk.
JAY How was that possible?
KATE It’s down to the subconscious, most likely. Scientists are still trying to figure it out.
JAY Isn’t it weird how we spend years building a prison for ourselves, then wonder why we can’t get out of it? Kate, you looked like a million dollars.
KATE I was the queen of hang-ups. What I hated most of all was my great big nose. I had plastic surgery to make it smaller. It seemed too small after that, so I had surgery to get it bigger. Then it turned out too big. I had 20 nose-jobs in all before it finally came out right. Big Daddy helped me realize that it looked exactly the same as it did when I started.
JAY That’s true, Kate. How did you feel in your former life?
KATE I was always hungry and angry because of the diet. That’s why I beat up all those paparazzi. Whenever I put on 100 grams, I would punch myself in the face once for each gram. I did cocaine and meth to get away from it all. I had a couple of suicide attempts.
JAY And how do you feel now, Kate?
KATE I feel great now!
BIG DADDY I see you’ve gained a lot of weight.
KATE I don’t care because I’ve finally learned to love myself. When I look in the mirror, I think: Kate, you sure are ugly. I don’t need to pretend anymore. Life doesn’t frighten me anymore.
JAY I’m happy to hear that. What happened when you gained weight?
KATE I was abandoned by fair-weather friends who wouldn’t go to the Oscars with me anymore. And then there’s the media attention. I’m getting lots of new offers. Besides, nobody recognizes me on the street anymore, and I can live a normal life. I have real friends now.
BIG DADDY There’s just one way to be happy. Get fat and learn to love the ugly you. It’s a ticket to a fascinating experience. Think about it. You weigh 200 kilos. You look like a monster, smell like an animal, and you start seeing things in new perspective. When you can’t even walk you don’t worry about your feet looking ugly; when you can barely breathe, you don’t think about your nose being too big. You get some distance, see the bigger picture, and then you can go back to your old weight. Don’t be scared of fat.
JAY That’s right. There’s good fat and there’s bad fat. They say that, in the old days before He made the world, God was resting, getting ready for the great and unthinkable task to come, and when He was resting like that, all the inactivity made Him fat, and that was when fat first came into the world. Good fat reminded the Lord that He shouldn’t rest too long, that he should boldly create the world, and generally spurred him to action. Bad fat discouraged God from working miracles, slowed Him down, took His breath away, and kept needling Him, saying: you’re nobody, and you’ll never make anything of yourself. All of your bodies are a battlefield when you’re sleeping and spreading love, when you’re working and eating the fruits of your labors. What will you tell the Lord when you lose the war, how will you justify your sloth? But do not fear, for I shall lead you in the name of the good fat.
BIG DADDY 1 Ever obese.
KATE MOSS Ever tubby.
BIG DADDY and KATE MOSS Ever fat.
JAY And now, write down a wish and slip it between those belly folds, and it will come true.
They write down their wishes. KATE MOSS lifts his shirt. Many pieces of paper are sticking out from between his belly folds. The characters slide their wishes in. JAY picks out one of them.
JAY I’m fat and I want to lose weight.
KATE MOSS You’re as thin as a rail, Jane.
BIG DADDY That’s not true! I’m always stuffing myself.
KATE MOSS You stuff yourself?
BIG DADDY I keep drinking green cocktails. My favorite green-cocktail recipe is: Arugula, spinach, leek, lamb’s lettuce, celery sticks, and my secret ingredient: a crisp green dollar bill.
KATE MOSS You used to put dollar bills in your cocktail to make it taste better?
ANOREXIC 1 I did.
BIG DADDY It was my favorite cocktail because it always made me throw up.
KATE MOSS You sure wouldn’t win Master Chef with that recipe.
BIG DADDY It takes a master too, though. Anyone can make a cocktail and barf it up. The trick is to make barf taste good.
KATE MOSS How can barf taste good?
BIG DADDY I use a lot of artificial flavorings, they’re so artificial they don’t get digested, thanks to which they never lose their original taste.
JAY Wait until you hit 200 kilos and compare yourself to a current photo – that’s when you’ll see the difference.
BIG DADDY That’s my worst nightmare!
JAY So tell me, why are you really here?
BIG DADDY To lose weight.
KATE MOSS Lose weight why?
BIG DADDY So I can be happy.
JAY Why are you treating yourself as an unnecessary addition to your body?
BIG DADDY I am my body.
KATE MOSS Imagine you weigh 200 kilos. So you don’t like the way you look, but say you run into an old friend, and that makes you happy. Does happiness only come from the body?
BIG DADDY i don’t know. I just want to be happy.
JAY To be happy, you simply need to stop thinking about your body and set your mind on being happy.
BIG DADDY That’s it? What do I do?
KATE MOSS Look, when you read a good book or hear some good advice, there comes a time when you have to get a grip, overcome your stupid fears, and start enjoying life.
BIG DADDY That’s it?
KATE MOSS I don’t know, I’ve never been happy.
JAY Or maybe you were happy but didn’t think of calling it that?
BIG DADDY Actually I don’t know if I want to be happy or not, because I don’t know if I’d like it.
KATE MOSS So why do you want to be happy?
BIG DADDY Friends of mine said it would help me.
JAY That’s easy.
There was once a sad and hungry little girl who found herself at the foot of the hamburger mountain. She wanted to find out what was inside. She took a plastic spoon and started digging a tunnel, when a chunk of the mountain broke off and fell into her mouth. It was really tasty so the little girl kept digging and eating chunks of the mountain. She dug and dug and, even though she was already full, she kept eating out of gluttony. When she finally dug all the way to the center of the mountain, she saw it was empty inside. It was the realm of the empty calorie. The little girl was dumbstruck and finally understood the big secret. She was at once full and already hungry, full and empty on the inside. That was happiness.
Pause. Jay confers blessings.
JAY Blessed be gynecomastia, asthma, crooked front-teeth, breasts that are too small and breasts that are too big, small hands, and big protruding ears. Eat up. I bless your bunions, your squints and small penises. Those are your treasures. Behind every hang-up and hardship there is a treasure. In the name of fat, in the name of fat, I say, let there be folds in your flat bellies. Fat loves all things, forgives all things, bears all things, and heaps its flabby bulk on all things. Fat suffereth long, and is kind; fat envieth not; fat vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up.
That’s all for today, now go and pray, but make sure you come back tomorrow, children of a lesser God.