The Real Housewives of Toluca Lake: The Musical

Reviewed by Neal Weaver
Falcon Theatre
Extended through May 1

When critic Walter Kerr reviewed the musical Zorba, he observed that it was the only musical he’d ever seen where he actively hated the chorus. This show, with book, music and lyrics by Molly Bell, is an intimate musical so it has no chorus, but the characters are, if not hateful, decidedly unlovable. They’re not housewives at all, in the usual sense of the word, and certainly you couldn’t call them homemakers. They are, rather, wives with too much time and money on their hands, and no serious jobs.

They’re vain, frivolous, selfish, insensitive, and malicious. They spend their time inventing useless beauty products (yoga mats for the face, an Elegant Enema apparatus), buying shoes, back-biting, back-stabbing, gossiping and having their hair, nails, noses, and fannies done. They throw benefits for worthy causes, like obese babies and deaf dogs, where at least 10% of the proceeds actually go to the charity. At the funeral of their former friend Poppy, they merrily take selfies with her ashes. In addition to their various flaws and vices, they smugly and frequently sing about how “Amazing!” they are.

There are five of these ladies, plus a sixth, Poppy, who has reportedly committed suicide. Head housewife Joanne (Meredith Patterson) is celebrating her tenth year of happy married life when her husband disappears, leaving her saddled with his massive debts. Babette (Adrienne Visnic), Joanne’s best friend and rival, is married to a man more interested in real estate than sex. Lulu (Anita Barone) is a faux English woman dedicated to booze and drugs.  Beezus (Cynthia Ferrer), the oldest of the wives, is dedicated to denying her age and colonic irrigation. Penny (Jenna Coker-Jones), a red-haired sex-pot, is married to a gay man. All of the men — husbands, hair-dressers, financial advisers, and exercise coaches — are played by the versatile Marc Ginsburg. And generally speaking, the characters he plays are as unpleasant as the housewives.

When Joanne is left, abandoned and bankrupt, she’s immediately dropped and ostracized by the other wives, and in desperation takes a job as a blogger for a web-site called “Sex, Lies, and Mystery Wives,” where she reveals the guilty or embarrassing secrets of her former friends, wreaking havoc on their lives. For this she is paid an improbable $500,000 per blog.

Feeling guilty over the misery she has caused by her shameless gossip-mongering, Joanna decides to reform, break the real housewives’ rules, and turn over a new leaf. She goes to such lengths as reverting to her original hair color and (gasp!) taking off her tiara. She lectures the other women about their failings and deceptions, and they forgive her in time for an unbelievable and unearned happy ending. (Cue: yet another reprise of “Amazing!”)

Bell’s script purports to be satire, but satirizing such easy and obvious targets seems like shooting fish in a barrel. You can’t blame the show’s shortcomings on the ensemble, however. Director Roger Bean has given it a slick and stylish mounting, and the actors make the most of the material they’re given, with verve and aplomb. Their efforts lend the show whatever charm it has.

Roger Castellano’s choreography features lots of bootie-shaking, twerking, lap dancing, and bumps-and-grinds, with borrowings from Bollywood musicals and athletic activities. And Stephen Gifford’s latticework set is handsome and serviceable.

In the interests of full disclosure, the show received the by now de rigueur opening night standing ovation, with a couple of bravos. Obviously some like it a lot. On the other hand, I was not the only Grinch who found it more exasperating than amusing.

Falcon Theatre, 4252 Riverside Drive, Burbank. Wed.-Sat., 8p.m.; Sun., 4 p.m;  Extended through May 1. (818) 955-8101 or FalconTheatre.com. Running time: Two hours and 10 minutes with one intermission.